How Do I Deal with Increasing Impatience Since My PF Diagnosis?

How Do I Deal with Increasing Impatience Since My PF Diagnosis?

It is hard to admit that my chronic lung disease is having more than a physical impact on me. Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF) is a relentless, cruel disease and sometimes it causes me to behave in ways that leave me feeling ashamed.

This disease sets me apart from most of my peers; people often wonder why I can’t do the things other young adults can as the symptoms of this disease can be invisible. IPF has changed the way I interact with other people and my environment. I am more impatient and impulsive than I was before my diagnosis.

I am thankful that I’m aware of the problem that has developed and I am working on how to correct my behavior. It is particularly bad on days when my physical health is worse. Back in September 2017, I wrote about emotional outbursts and wondered why they might be happening. I guess that a part of me feels out of control, and this is exacerbated by anxiety that is manifesting as anger.

While I wasn’t an anxious person before my diagnosis, I think it’s impossible to avoid anxiety with IPF, because so much about this disease is uncertain. I wonder whether anxiety is also responsible for my impatience that is steadily increasing as my condition worsens. By examining my surroundings, the time of day, or how I feel, I am starting to find some answers.

For example, the fatigue that accompanies this lung disease can be incredibly challenging to manage. Simple tasks like getting up in the morning take a lot of effort, and sometimes I am running late due to fatigue causing me to hit the snooze button. I have no one to blame but myself when this makes me late, but it makes me impatient while driving. While impatience is understandable in someone who is running behind schedule, I find it particularly frustrating to be late because of intense fatigue that hinders my efforts to get up on time in the morning.

When I go to the store to look for an ingredient for a new recipe I am trying out or something from the pharmacy, it takes a lot of physical energy to run that errand. So, when the item I want is not in stock, I feel angry. Sometimes I say more than I should and my disappointment is obvious to the store clerks which makes them feel bad.

I feel impatient at work meetings that seem unimportant to me. But who am I to determine what’s appropriate? A discussion topic that is relevant to one of my colleagues or the families I support should matter to me, too. However, I feel my patience running low when I deem something insignificant in the “grand scheme of life.”

Sometimes I wonder if it matters if we send that email this week or the following one. Or how many times we have to review a process that is already working. I look at these things from the perspective of someone living with a life-threatening disease, and while that viewpoint may seem unfair, that is my predicament. I wish everyone had a chance to see things this way because it helps to identify what is meaningful in life versus what is inconsequential.

I’ve shared a few examples of when I feel impatient and angry, but sadly I can think of many more. I am continually looking to understand my behavior better and find solutions. I suspect others living with IPF may be able to offer some insight.

Have you experienced an increase in impatience or impulsivity since your IPF/PF diagnosis? Do you know why? Have you found ways to deal with these behaviors?

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Note: Pulmonary Fibrosis News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Pulmonary Fibrosis News or its parent company, BioNews Services, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to pulmonary fibrosis.

Thanks for stopping by my column! My name is Charlene Marshall and I was diagnosed officially with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (IPF) on April 7 2016 after 13 months of various tests, hospitalizations and misdiagnoses, such as bronchitis and asthma. Due to my age, the specialist disclosed that he was unsure how the IPF would manifest itself in terms of progression, and whether it would be fast or slow and what the course of my illness might look like. Not much has changed since then, meaning there is still a lot that remains unknown, which is largely due to my age and how “rare” it is for someone under 30 to receive a diagnosis of IPF. That being said, a lot has changed for me in the time since diagnosis and I am looking forward to sharing some of those changes with you through this online platform, and I invite you along for the ride! Throughout this column I intend to chronicle the experience of living with an invisible, yet fatal disease as a young adult and share some stories about how IPF has impacted every aspect of my life, both good and bad, thus far. I plan on highlighting the challenges (and where I can, the positives…) that come with living with IPF and the impact on social and intimate relationships, finances, family dynamics, facing mortality, infertility, travelling, medication side effects, career goals and so much more as it arises for me as a “new” patient. I hope others’ with similar experiences will reach out as no story trumps any other, nor should any go unheard. For now, let me leave you with some personal details about who I am, outside of my IPF diagnosis. I grew up in a small town in south-western Ontario and still live within Ontario, although in a much bigger city. My favorite sport is/was underwater hockey (yes, it is a thing: look it up on YouTube), I love working with people, I work full-time in the Social Work/Social Services field, I am an avid learner filled with heaps of curiosity for the world, which lead me to start my Masters Degree in 2014. I am in the last few months of my Masters Degree and am looking forward to an upcoming trip to Australia more than I’ve looked forward to anything before. Welcome to the shambles and chaos that is my life!
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Thanks for stopping by my column! My name is Charlene Marshall and I was diagnosed officially with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (IPF) on April 7 2016 after 13 months of various tests, hospitalizations and misdiagnoses, such as bronchitis and asthma. Due to my age, the specialist disclosed that he was unsure how the IPF would manifest itself in terms of progression, and whether it would be fast or slow and what the course of my illness might look like. Not much has changed since then, meaning there is still a lot that remains unknown, which is largely due to my age and how “rare” it is for someone under 30 to receive a diagnosis of IPF. That being said, a lot has changed for me in the time since diagnosis and I am looking forward to sharing some of those changes with you through this online platform, and I invite you along for the ride! Throughout this column I intend to chronicle the experience of living with an invisible, yet fatal disease as a young adult and share some stories about how IPF has impacted every aspect of my life, both good and bad, thus far. I plan on highlighting the challenges (and where I can, the positives…) that come with living with IPF and the impact on social and intimate relationships, finances, family dynamics, facing mortality, infertility, travelling, medication side effects, career goals and so much more as it arises for me as a “new” patient. I hope others’ with similar experiences will reach out as no story trumps any other, nor should any go unheard. For now, let me leave you with some personal details about who I am, outside of my IPF diagnosis. I grew up in a small town in south-western Ontario and still live within Ontario, although in a much bigger city. My favorite sport is/was underwater hockey (yes, it is a thing: look it up on YouTube), I love working with people, I work full-time in the Social Work/Social Services field, I am an avid learner filled with heaps of curiosity for the world, which lead me to start my Masters Degree in 2014. I am in the last few months of my Masters Degree and am looking forward to an upcoming trip to Australia more than I’ve looked forward to anything before. Welcome to the shambles and chaos that is my life!

2 comments

  1. Steve Dragoo says:

    Dear friend,

    I loathe my episodic behavior. My wife does not deserve it but since I am not able to come to grips with the mental changes many times, I am harsh too often.

    Not just her because there are several times I would like to have stepped in the ring with the other person if I could – and that’s not the life I want to live.

    We become what we focus on and our “self-talk” (internal whisperings) are not always heard in time to stop so instead we (me) end up cooperating with them. They need to be stopped because eventually there becomes a physiological hardwiring in the brain and once that neuron highway is built it becomes reality far too many times.

    To overcome boredom when driving long distances we would have various contests to see who could find the most cemeteries (called rock gardens). That overlayed the boredom and actually created cute and humorous scenarios. That’s what we can do with our changing attitude – overlay it with something of a blessed choice. Society may consider it abhorrent but they don’t tuck me in at night… Steve

    • Charlene Marshall says:

      Steve,

      I am always so comforted by your sharing and the vulnerability you’re willing to describe as you also talk about the difficulties of living with IPF. Thank you for that! I also loathe the behaviour I’ve described in my column, but facing it and talking about it are the first steps to correcting it I think. It is so hard to know this side of me, but I try to be gentle with myself as it is not intentional. Further, there is no instruction manual on how to life with this disease so we’re just doing the best we can. Thank you for sharing your experience, and always being there for me and other members of our forums.

      Regards,
      Charlene.

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