How Do I Deal with Increasing Impatience Since My PF Diagnosis?

It is hard to admit that my chronic lung disease is having more than a physical impact on me. Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF) is a relentless, cruel disease and sometimes it causes me to behave in ways that leave me feeling ashamed.

This disease sets me apart from most of my peers; people often wonder why I can’t do the things other young adults can as the symptoms of this disease can be invisible. IPF has changed the way I interact with other people and my environment. I am more impatient and impulsive than I was before my diagnosis.

I am thankful that I’m aware of the problem that has developed and I am working on how to correct my behavior. It is particularly bad on days when my physical health is worse. Back in September 2017, I wrote about emotional outbursts and wondered why they might be happening. I guess that a part of me feels out of control, and this is exacerbated by anxiety that is manifesting as anger.

While I wasn’t an anxious person before my diagnosis, I think it’s impossible to avoid anxiety with IPF, because so much about this disease is uncertain. I wonder whether anxiety is also responsible for my impatience that is steadily increasing as my condition worsens. By examining my surroundings, the time of day, or how I feel, I am starting to find some answers.

For example, the fatigue that accompanies this lung disease can be incredibly challenging to manage. Simple tasks like getting up in the morning take a lot of effort, and sometimes I am running late due to fatigue causing me to hit the snooze button. I have no one to blame but myself when this makes me late, but it makes me impatient while driving. While impatience is understandable in someone who is running behind schedule, I find it particularly frustrating to be late because of intense fatigue that hinders my efforts to get up on time in the morning.

When I go to the store to look for an ingredient for a new recipe I am trying out or something from the pharmacy, it takes a lot of physical energy to run that errand. So, when the item I want is not in stock, I feel angry. Sometimes I say more than I should and my disappointment is obvious to the store clerks which makes them feel bad.

I feel impatient at work meetings that seem unimportant to me. But who am I to determine what’s appropriate? A discussion topic that is relevant to one of my colleagues or the families I support should matter to me, too. However, I feel my patience running low when I deem something insignificant in the “grand scheme of life.”

Sometimes I wonder if it matters if we send that email this week or the following one. Or how many times we have to review a process that is already working. I look at these things from the perspective of someone living with a life-threatening disease, and while that viewpoint may seem unfair, that is my predicament. I wish everyone had a chance to see things this way because it helps to identify what is meaningful in life versus what is inconsequential.

I’ve shared a few examples of when I feel impatient and angry, but sadly I can think of many more. I am continually looking to understand my behavior better and find solutions. I suspect others living with IPF may be able to offer some insight.

Have you experienced an increase in impatience or impulsivity since your IPF/PF diagnosis? Do you know why? Have you found ways to deal with these behaviors?

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