Dealing with Negativity
As you all know my Father passed away over a year ago and to really sum up our relationship, all I can say is that he was (is) my best friend and soulmate. For the first few months everything was kind of numb and then the grief hit towards the end of last year, this all consuming feeling that kind of pins you down and eventually you just have learn to live with it. Some days are bad, some days are manageable.
However, we’ve had a bit of bad luck in our family since he died. At the beginning of the year my Mum broke her leg quite badly which meant I had to care for her for just under three months. I coped at the time but in hindsight I think this really put me back in moving forward from Dads death. I managed to find a well paid short-term job to fix me until I was due to start University this September but I struggled to settle in. I’m a naturally quiet person anyhow and my manager and me probably clashed as she was the polar opposite, it always felt she was picking at me and never providing the support I needed. She was aware of my Dads death and having to work the first anniversary of it, there was never any empathy or compassion in that time period. It was also as we raised a complaint with our local Hospice for how they didn’t step up in Dads final days to help him be more settled (I think there’s a lot of trauma in there from the weekend he died). A few colleagues proferred support, but mostly I was dealing with this alone as I felt I was burdening friends and family by “going on” about Dad.
It was all leading up to September when I was due to return to University to begin a course in Radiography as I’m keen to stay involved in research with pulmonary fibrosis. And then a few weeks before it all fell through and I now have to wait until next September before I begin. I’ve been desperately applying for jobs as although I saved funds whilst I worked, I was relying on student support to help me. Thankfully my Mum is brilliant and is happy for me to live at home rent free until I get things sorted, she’s always super there for me but it just fills me with so much guilt as I had to rely on my parents to financially support me through being a carer for Dad and afterwards as well. I was recently offered a job in a Radiography department, which was a total dream come true but as ever there are hoops to jump through and at the minute, everything good feels like it slips away before it comes to pass. Does anyone else feel like they got stuck in that headspace? I feel so sad because it’s as if I can’t get excited about anything anymore because I just expect it not to happen so this negativity lives around me, and when I try to change my attitude, too many things have fallen by the wayside and it’s like a knife stabbing deeper in my chest.
I know deep down it all boils down to this tremendous overbearing grief and I guess my need to fight more for the things I want. It’s not as if everything feels pointless without Dad, but it sure is difficult mustering up the energy to keep bouncing back from each wave that hits me. Eventually when I can afford it I think I’ll seek out grief counselling, I’ve been reading a book by a woman who works in this area and it’s been super interesting and comforting to read her views on coping with grief.
Anyway, I’m super sorry for rambling but I just needed to get all of this out of my head and really, ask for some advice. How do you all cope with uncertainty and how do you find it in you to keep on smiling through what feels an endless run of bad luck? I guess it’s a big question, but how do you stay positive when times feel really dark for you? What helps you snap out of it or how do you at least get by?
Log in to reply.